


Picking Fights

by Skquill



Category: Original Work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-21
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:55:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26571016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skquill/pseuds/Skquill
Summary: Naru Moen lived his life assuming he was a monster. He just wants to rest, and to not be seen as a monster.Picking Fights is his backstory, an extra of the story I'm writing, but it's a good way to meet our lead. This is a world were demons and humans walk the earth, and the power imbalance is visible.





	Picking Fights

**Author's Note:**

> Been awhile.
> 
> Times are rough, and I know everything is on hiatus, but I've been thinking about my original fiction and thought to post it here.  
> I finished rewatching Toradora recently, and that story means a lot to one of the characters. So I felt like it was time to write this again, and for it to be the latest version.

_ I started locking my door when I was a kid, because I didn’t want monsters in the form of family to get in. My older sister, Amelia, was the worst of the monsters. Her voice rattled the walls, and her fists reached through the cracks. Everyday was a cycle of the same vitriol, just worded differently and said at different volumes. _

_ When my testing was complete, she still was a monster but her words shifted. Her dialect went from my issues, to putting herself on a pedestal. So, that’s where I should begin then huh... _

***

Sound traveled differently when something was in the way. Whether that is putting your hands over your ears, or placing a door between you and the person making the noise, or shutting your eyes to focus on something better; none of that stopped Amelia when she was in one of her moods.

“Naru,  _ come on!”  _ A kick at my door, the motion sent a vibration down my spine. “I was teasing you!” Her actions spoke differently from her words. A hard rattle of the doorknob, another kick at the door. “I don’t get to be around demons like you do, you’re the closest thing I have to one of them.”

I moved away from the door. My legs were shaking as I stood up. “Th-that doesn’t make it okay!” I called, unable to hide how much I was crying.

“Of course it does! You’re like-super, duper close to being a full on demon spawn!! As a Hunter, I have to be able to protect the people I love.” As she spoke, I hobbled over to my desk. Breathing hard I noticed my computer screen was starting to get fuzzy. The lights in my room were starting to flicker. 

“Please come out.” Amelia rattled the doorknob again. “I can exercise you of all the badness in you.” She meant  _ exorcise.  _ Hunters didn’t do that anymore. It was only shown now through history and a whole film genre. My hands went to the small, dying plant I had. I never had a green thumb, Mom did. She had a garden and she’d make our lunches with stuff from it. I couldn’t even remember to water a simple ivy. It soaked up my tears well enough though. 

“There’s nothing--there’s nothing wrong with me.” I choked out.

Amelia chuckled a bit. I could see her shadow disappear from under the door slightly. “No one else can cause the house to lose power. If we don’t get you under control, you could really do serious damage to places.” I could feel the knife already sliding into my side. Her mood was close to ending, she just had to get out the last word. “If I were you, I’d probably just have given up after testing and rotted away. Already a disgrace to the family, nothing else to really live for.”

I couldn’t raise a single plant. Yet Amelia was able to grow a garden of reminders, and plant seeds that choked me even after I’d left home.

***

I noticed the difference between  _ my _ upbringing, and my sisters, when school was in session. School would start, and we’d be riding on the coat tales of summer. Amelia would run down the stairs in the morning, bag packed and smiling. Her uniform--crisp and clean, her hair would be in it’s regular style--touching the middle of her back, even though she wore it in a high ponytail. A red ribbon in her hair. “Why are you always so cheerful in the morning?” I grumbled, still rubbing my eyes of sleep. Sleep and I never got along, but middle school pumped up my insomnia. 

“Because,” Amelia, hands on her hips, loud. Overtaking everything in the room so she was the center of attention. “I’m doing something I love, and something I trained my whole life for. I have every right to be excited.” 

I went back to eating my cereal as Amelia and Mom got into a conversation. Mom loved talking about her education, and her time as a Hunter, Amelia ate up every word she said. 

“I’m sure all the professors have changed, since they were all pretty old when I was going to Knights Heights, but I’m sure my name is still on the plaques there.” Mom said, resting her chin on her elbow as her coffee sat at the table across from Naru. “I know you’re excited for your classes, but remember, you don’t have to choose a profession just yet. You have time.” Mom always said that, but her actions never matched her words because she raised Amelia and Natalie to be Hunters.

The Hunter Program was an education, but Mom and Dad treated it like a lifestyle. The Moen family eat, breath and sleep  _ Hunter _ . I was sent away to public school, while my sisters got to partake in a different lifestyle. I wasn’t envious of it, I was scared of it. I learned early on that I’d never meet my family's expectations, so it was best to sink into the background so I wouldn’t cause anymore shame.

The Moen family name was in good hands. Just not my hands.

“I’ve always known what I wanted to be, Mama. This is the year I actually can start to make my mark.” Amelia was making herself a bowl of cereal. “I know you’ve raised us to be great Hunters, and this is where I can finally show it.”

I sighed, and got up from the table. As I washed my bowl clean, Amelia and Mom continued their conversation. It just came off to me as boasting, and fake. I didn’t trust Hunters, because to me they always took the form of Amelia. 

“Oh, Naru when you go up stairs to get ready…” Mom rose from her seat, her half rimmed glasses fell a bit off her nose. The gold chain connecting them rattled. “Can you wake up Nat? It’s almost seven.” She motioned at her watch. The sun was just starting to appear outside.

“Sure.” I yawned, and started to climb the stairs. The walls were always littered with family photos, framed and perfect. Along with pictures of flowers and pressed herbs. Mom would change them every few months. Usually when we would return from seeing Dad, she’d hang a new framed picture of the foxes at the shrine.

Our family honors the fox, it’s a sacred animal to us. The shrine that my dad runs doubles as a fox rehabilitation center, and the Hunters that work there even have them as companions. It was mainly red foxes, but sometimes there would be the occasional platinum, or corsac.

Amelia wanted a red fox. It fit her personality.

I knocked on Natalies door, and opened it slightly. Her room was messy, clothes and plushies on the floor as if a bomb went off. Out of the three of us, Natalie was the most vocal about her interests. “Natalie… Wake up.” I said into the room. 

Natalie, under a bundle of blankets, rustled slightly. I heard a grumble.

“Wake up.” I said, a bit louder this time. Stepping into her room, and minding the anime character plushies that were near the door. “First day of school.” On her nightstand was a rack of CDs, and where her alarm should have been was her Ipod. Her alarm clock was on the floor, and unplugged.

It was too early in the morning, but regardless, I concentrated on the lights in her room. Even though I was tired, I could cause them to flicker to life and brighten.

“Wake up!!” I said louder. The lights in the hall started to flicker as well. Downstairs, I heard a small protest as Mom was looking at her wristwatch.

“Okay!” The blankets flew off and a pillow went flying at me. The lights cut out on impact, and daybreak seeped through her window. “I unplugged my alarm clock so you wouldn’t be using your powers!” She laughed. Her bed head was evident. She was going into 5th grade. 

“Mom wants you up, Nat.” I said, and stepped out of her room as she stuck her tongue out at me. All of our rooms were next to each other. 

My room was the most minimalist, and the furthest from the stairs. I went in, locking the door and grabbed the remainder of my stuff. The first day never meant much, but I still felt the need to bring notebooks and supplies. My phone sat at my desk. It usually sat quietly, no one contacted me that much except for family and a few friends. Today, it was buzzing with messages from one person.

**BakeryWilson: Good luck on your first day!!!! I know it’s just lame 10th grade, but!**

**BakeryWilson: It’s still a good time!! At least it was for me. Is that bad?**

**BakeryWilson: Is it bad that my early teens were okay??**

BakeryWilson, Avery as they are called in real life was (and still is) one of my closest friends. They lived in England. I ‘met’ them online because I was having a bad night, and staying up too late looking for validation on my life. And Avery came in, and we’ve been in constant contact since. They didn’t know much, or about anything about my testing. I don’t feel the need to tell them the whole ordeal. But they do know the things that I can’t bring up to my family.

**Moenaru: yes.**

**Moenaru: it is my first day.**

**Moenaru: im very tired.**

**BakeryWilson: of school? Dude it hasn;t even begun.**

**Moenaru: yeah.**

**Moenaru: yeah....**

**BakeryWilson: Hi, I’m Naru Moen. 15. And this year, I’m gonna get a boyfriend.**

**Moenaru: NO.**

**BakeryWilson: :’ < **

**BakeryWilson: RIP Naru’s fakeboyf.**

“Ru!!” Natalie knocked on the door. She knew it was locked, it always is when I’m in it. Everyone else rattles the knob. “School!!”

“C-coming.” I stuffed my phone in my bag and headed out. 

***

Every school year was the same, same teachers and same classmates, but every year brought with it the same questions and issues. The first week of school was always focused on getting to know one another, and going through the planner we were given. After every attendance, I was told to speak to the teacher afterwards before class officially ended. The first few days of school were met with me collecting late passes because my ‘condition’ had to be explained. Mom could have done it herself, meeting with the principal, who would then tell the teachers… But that didn’t happen. I had to speak up, because Mom said it was a life lesson.

“I’m not sure if my mom told you or…” Every time I had to say it I got flustered. “But, uh. There might be days where just me being in a room can short circuit the projector, or computer so…”

“Accomodations like that are rare, I’ve heard of kids needing monitors to take tests. And with the way classes are taught now…” My history professor crossed his arms. Even on the coattails of summer, he was dressed for fall. Business casual, kind of reminded me of Avery’s wardrobe. 

“I-I don’t want to be an annoyance in class. I just wanted to inform you, is all.” Even now, the lights were flickering and whining.

“We’ll think of something. I can print out the power points for the day's lesson, for now.”

I nodded, and took a step back to leave. “S-sorry…” I muttered, and watched as my teacher seemed surprised at my apology. When I exited the room the lights went back to normal. 

I had control of my powers, for the most part. I could force appliances on or off when I concentrated enough, but for the most part my powers acted up due to my emotions. Flickering lights, sudden shutdowns on nearby phones, monitors not responding when touched, it was usually because I was anxious or sad or feeling like I would explode, and my powers would come out as a venting method.

That’s how I looked at it. And I hated that. Sometimes, I could numb out my emotions and things would be fine. Sometimes, I’d have a breakdown in class, end up sobbing because I couldn’t understand a concept and the room I’d be in would lose power. The bigger the attack, the more the damage. 

***

“So, how was your second week?” Avery sat cross-legged on their bed. Their walls were full of posters and momentos. Pictures of traveling, pictures of friends, of family, of smiles and love. A string of fairy lights danced across the ceiling making the pictures seem less real. Avery Wilson, though the kindest person I knew at the time, lived so differently than me. Maybe it was the british accent, maybe it was the way they strung sentences together, or the way they held themself that seemed unreal to me.

They were a person. They were real.

Yet my brain could never think of a different life, a happy one, where I could be as happy as Avery.

“Okay, I guess.” I was sitting at my desk, doing homework. “Same old, same old.”

Avery stung their tongue out. “Give me details!!” They hugged a pillow against their chest. I couldn’t help but laugh at how childish they could get at times. 

“I got excused  _ again _ for causing a distortion. Had to write my notes in the library… And I’m fine with that. I basically grew up teaching myself that way.” I got so good at it, I talked Mom into allowing me to take AP courses, that way high school would be shorter and so would the future. “It’s just, I don’t know, It’s still annoying, I guess. Like you’d think that in the 16 years I’ve been alive there would be something done about people like me.” 

Avery chuckled, soft, and soothing, and sweet. “Well, that’s the issue. You’re the only one. So make some noise, Ru-ski. Shout: I’m the only Art. Hunter in existence!! It makes me awfully miffed, but get on it, society!” Avery raised a fist in the air, as they shouted. “I’m sure it would work out.”

“Ave-ski, anytime I shout--the room has a power outage.” I chuckled.

“Picture me, walking into the room after you do that.” Avery laughed, hugging their pillow tighter. “Just standing there with like… Nando’s or somethin’, and just be like ‘oh what’s all this then.’” 

Even from the screen, I could tell that Avery was laughing hard enough to produce tears. The harder they laughed, the more prominent their accent came out with how they enunciated words.“How’s school for you?” I wanted to change the subject. 

“Good. Real good.” Avery said once they stopped laughing. They never talked more in detail about what they did for classes, since they went to culinary school. But I’d get pictures of food they’d make almost daily. “Last go here, then I’m off for good. Spreading my wings, flying the coop, and heading to you.” Avery leaned back so far, they fell on their back. They were wearing their normal attire. Khakis, a white button up and a checkers sweater vest. I’m convinced they're wardrobe was just that set up. Each outfit for the day of the year. Only difference was their sweaters. “I can’t wait to get my café up and running…” They finished, quietly as if in a dream.

“It’s going to be great.” I muttered. Their dream was already a reality, they bought a building that used to be a live in bar. They were in the process of remodeling it, and making it a café. They were finishing up the last of their degree now, and were then going to move closer to open it. 

“Elijah’s gonna be closer, so I can see him more. You’re gonna be closer… So…” Avery sat up, their face a bit red from the rush, or maybe it was the mere mention of their boyfriends name. 

“I’m not gonna be a walk away. It would take like two trains to get to you, one really expensive one if I wanted to splurge...” Even through the desktop camera, I could see Avery’s light blue eyes. They were burning with intent, and looking right at me. 

“When you graduate, why don’t you live with me.” They declared.

It was quiet for a moment, I dropped my pencil. Mouth slightly agape.

“Like, when you graduate secondary school. You can pack up and live with me. The café will be done and already open by that time. Since I’m moving there this spring. You could work there, you’d have a place to stay an--”

“Can I think about it?” I cut them off. Truthfully, I could never see what my life would be like after high school. It was a dark, and empty idea. 

“Of course, brav…” They smiled. 

Natalie knocked on my door and announced dinner was ready.

And the call ended.

***

I’d always been an insomniac, my brain would make up noises that would keep me up at night. The moment the house quieted down, I’d hear faint, yet loud shouts of Amelia. Memories etched onto my soul, so rest was never something I could obtain. I’d get a few hours of sleep, waking up every two hours or so due to nightmares or feeling like I forgot to lock my door. Heart racing as the nightmare faded into obscurity, I looked toward my phone to see the time. 4:45am. I thought about Avery, and how their life was on an upswing, for what felt like forever. Mine never got a sense of any swing.

Sitting up in bed, I waited for my body to not feel like it was under pressure. My joints wake up slower than my brain, because my brain never shuts off. Avery knew I wasn’t happy, I never had to tell them my history. They knew that getting out of this house, and away from Mom and Amelia is the best thing. And they knew that no matter what, or when I leave, I’d be destroyed from the backlash. In all my turmoil, at the end of all my breakdowns, Avery was there as a soft place to land.

They were proof that a happier life was possible, and all I had to do was make a plan.

What they didn’t know was how exhausted I was from everything. Mom, though loving, still subjected me to stimulus drugs that chronically stunted everything in my life and all I have of proof of it is powers I never wanted. Amelia, who’s personality switched on a dime. Who one moment would be the older sibling I was supposed to look up to, to then shout and say how worthless I was. I was an outcast at school, because no one would want to be near the kid that causes phones to malfunction, or teachers unable to teach a lesson because my emotions were causing the monitor to be unable to calibrate.

It was that kind of late night reflection that made my eyes sting with tears. Amidst the illusionary screams, the reality of tears hit my cocoon of blankets. 

I never asked for any of this. And everyone, except two people, seemed to want nothing to do with me.

Natalie, who would try to teach me basic hiragana. I’d cling to her when we’d be walking around Hokkaido during the summers, unable to read or understand anything I was seeing and hearing. She’d write out the words in english, then in romaji, then in hiragana. I could never get it. She would knock on my door, knowing it was locked. I had a box in my closet, full of hand-me-downs she’d give me. She’d get them from Amelia, and then give them to me because I liked them. We’d watch cartoons and talk about the characters and story, guessing how they would fare in our reality. The reason I haven’t done anything, whether that be running away or worse, was because I didn’t want her to worry. 

Sometimes her music would end up on my phone. Japanese songs that I couldn’t understand, but sprinkled in would be instrumental tracks that I’d listen to when sleep was impossible.

And then there was Avery. Who’s life was the polar opposite of mine, yet we found each other and they admired me for everything I’ve been through. Even though all I did was get up and go through the day. They’d tell me stories of their volunteer work, or about acquaintances that were staying at their place because their home life wasn’t good. 

I guess that’s what Avery saw me as. Another person to help. It was nearing 10am in London.

**Moenaru: Ive been thinking about your proposal.**

**Moenaru: Id really like that.**

**Moenaru: Its a goal. And Id beokay with waiting**

I was wiping my tears away, and off my phone when Avery replied.

**BakeryWilson: Two years will go by in a snap!! :D**

*******

_ I didn’t make the two years. I didn’t even make it a whole year. I made it only a few months.  _

_ I don’t know the exact moment that things fell apart. But the earliest signs were during the winter break. _

***

We all had different schedules when it came to holidays. But our spring, winter and summer breaks were close to each other. Amelia had come home from her prep school, I was in our living room and reading. Natalie sat near the television, watching reruns of her fav cartoons. I didn’t tune in, since it was all in Japanese, but I gathered it was a supernatural-esque show. 

Natalie had a fascination with ghosts and the afterlife. When we’d visit Dad, she’d help out at the shrine and talk about how she could see little spirits. We all chalked it up as her imagination.

I believed her though. I was living proof that science fiction could become reality, so why couldn’t she be proving supernatural existence.

“Hey Nat…” I tagged my book, and put it down. Even though the couch was empty, I still preferred to sit neat on the floor with my legs curled up so I wasn’t taking up space. “When you get older, what Hunter profession were you thinking of taking?” My history class was going to be learning about the start of the Hunter Program when school opened again. I just wanted to get ahead since my class participation was non-existent.

“I wanna chart stars.” She muttered. “And use the stars for navigation.” She rolled onto her back and sat up, facing away from the T.V. “And find people because the stars told me so.”

“Is there even a branch that focuses on that?” 

She tilted her head and pursed her lips in thought. “If there isn’t, then I’ll be the first to start it! I’ve been thinking about my equipment for it, too. I’d be interning mainly with Papa, because you can see the stars so clearly at the shrine. But, also I feel so much more connected to people there, and I want to get those, like-- _ etto..  _ Like it can sense people’s auras and the magic around the air.” 

I shrugged, just as confused as her.

“Well. whatever that is…” She sighed in defeat at now remembering the word, but smiled again. “I know I don’t want to be hands on as Mama and Ame are. Just wanna help in any way I can, ya’ know?” She laughed awkwardly. Her show ended. Amelia, when she entered high school and started working more closely with Dad, had insisted on being called Ame. Her reasoning was because she wanted to be as important as the shinto sun goddess Amatarasu. Natalie, referred to everyone by their nickname. I didn’t.

Putting yourself on a pedestal of a god, just seemed egotistical. 

“I think it would be really cool, if I could get better at sensing stuff, and be able to pick out people in a crowd solely based on their soul.” Natalie went on to say. “Plus, knowing a person is coming, before they enter a room seems nic--”

“ _ Kuso!”  _ Her voice rattled the walls even before she got in the house. Amelia yanked the door open, and stomping her wet shoes, slammed it shut. “ _ Kuso!! Kuso kuso kuso!!”  _ She shouted.

My body had frozen up out of habit when Amelia started yelling. I glanced at Natalie, who had her ears covered. “Mom doesn’t like swears in the house!” She said.

“ _ Oh,  _ fuck off!” Amelia screamed. She was ripping off her coat and boots, and throwing them to the side. Muttering strings of swears along the way.

“What’s got you worked up?” I managed to say as Mom followed behind her. Though she was quieter, and picked up Amelia’s discarded layers. I had a feeling Mom had spoken to Amelia already, since Amelia had finals these past few days it was probably grade related. “Is it someth--”

“Why the hell would I want help from something as worthless as you!” Amelia spat out. Her fists clenched her bag, and I was prepared to feel it hit me, but it never did.

“ _ Amelia. _ ” Mom said her name through grit teeth. Maybe she was angry or cold. Maybe both. She just seemed tired, and didn’t want to be around her kids. “Just go to your room.”

“Why are you taking his side, why are you taking the school's side!! It’s just one bad grade,  _ Okaasan _ !” Amelia, though protesting, moved her body up the stairs. 

“Yes, and I only expect the best from you, and you failed basic history. You were tasked with writing an essay about Demons and Hunters, and you instead wrote about how they started, and the chaos that erupted from it.” Amelia was silent as Mom went on, I had a feeling they had this conversation before. “And, your lack of composure is very inappropriate.” Amelia was biting her lip, face red as she tried to hold back her tears. Mom on the other hand was composed, and quiet, and when she was like that she was scary.

I wished I could move my body, that way I could hide behind my book. Since I could remember, and since I understood that I would never meet Moms expectations, I knew that she took her role as a Hunter so seriously that at times she seemed robotic and cold.

Amelia stomped up the remaining stairs and into her room, and with another slam all went quiet once more. The only sound was the faint weeping from upstairs, and the television playing a commercial, but even that started to fizzle out because I kept going back to Amelia calling me worthless.

Loud noises scared me. I shrunk and crumpled up at the explosion. Natalie came over with a tissue, handing me the whole box.

Mom took a few deep breaths, she closed her eyes and removed her half moon glasses. Cleaning them on her shirt.“Naru, do you know the modern relationship between Hunters and Demons?” She put her glasses back on and looked down at me.

“Oh, uh…” I was still getting my composure back. “H-Hunters work with Demons to make sure that humans and demons are at equal footing. The Hunter Program was installed to carry that message after the demon revolts. Laws were put in place for Demons, so they wouldn’t use their powers.” I said as I took gulping breaths to steady myself. Mom took a long breath. “Sh-should I continue?”

“No, no. you’re fine. Amelia had to give a free write for her history final, and failed it for not staying in the time frame that it was  _ supposed  _ to be; her paper was all about how Hunters, because of the laws in place, are freely able to act how they want. I don’t know where she got into her head, but that’s not the kind of Hunter  _ I  _ want in this family.” Mom said as she made her way to the kitchen. The click of the stove was heard. I couldn’t hear exactly what she was saying from the kitchen. All I heard was something along the lines of ‘ideals of an extremist’, followed by a deep sigh that sounded like the beginning of tears.

***

I didn’t know Hunter extremists were a thing till that day. And even then, I didn’t think Amelia was one of them. Her egotistical side didn’t read as extremist, not to me at least. Yet it was her egotistical side that rattled my door late at night, after christmas.

“What…” I rubbed my eyes as I opened the door. It wasn’t that late, just a bit past 11pm.

Her hands were on her hips. She was out of her school uniform and changed into a brown turtleneck and red skirt with leggings. “Do you still have those pieces of paper I’d throw at you when we were kids?” She sounded so polite and gentle as she asked for a piece of tormented history.

“The ones where you made up fake symbols? That you stuck to my body because you wanted to cleanse me of stuff I have no control over?” I raised my eyebrows, and looked at her skeptically. She never asked me for anything, this was a first. She was in her last year of high school, and she decided to now be kind.

“Yeah. I want to prove a point to  _ sensei  _ and  _ okaasan. _ Do you have them or not?” 

“Why would I keep them?” I started to close my door, but she stopped it with her foot. “Ame--Amelia, I don’t have them!” Why would I keep them? Why would she want them? She managed to force the door open. And stepped into my room.

I never let her in, I never let  _ anyone  _ in. 

My room was barebones. I liked it that way. My closet on the left, and that’s where she started looking.

“Why are you obsessed with this? I don’t have them! Why would I keep them!” I repeated as she looked over all my clothes, and ruined my drawers.

“Because it’s something  _ I’d  _ keep.” Her voice sounded sad, like she was defeated. “I just want to prove I’m not crazy….”Her hands were shaking, and even in the dim light of my room, I saw she was crying again. “I want to make Mom proud… I just want to do that. It was just a game I used to play with you… I’m not gonna hurt demons or humans… I’m no--” She stopped when she opened the last drawer, and found nothing but left over school supplies. 

“See, I told you.” I said. I couldn’t look her in the eyes, so I just looked at the wall.

“Wait…” She sniffled, and put a piece of her long hair behind her ears. I could see how puffy and red her eyes were. “What’s that?” She grabbed a box I had hidden near the door to my closet. Hard to see unless you got low. Hard to get out too.

“O-oh. just. I don’t know, probably books or old video games.” The box was neither of those. It was hand-me-downs. Natalie’s hand-me-downs, that she got from Amelia. 

Amelia, maybe out of desperation, pulled it out of the crevice with ease, and sat on the floor. She ignored my pleas to ignore it, and inturn I ignored her mutterings of wanting to redeem herself.

We both deflated when she got the top open.

My heart was pounding in my ears, and the longer the silence was the louder it got. I couldn’t see Amelia’s eyes, since her bangs were covering them. She seemed frozen.

“Is this supposed to be a joke?” She finally said. Her voice was quiet, there was no hint of desperation. “Because it’s not funny.”

“I told you… I don’t have the--” Amelia had soft brown eyes, no matter what she did or said, her eyes always seemed genuine. She shut me up with a look of pure rage, her face red and twisted. Quickly, she sidestepped over the box, and wrapped her hand around my shirt. She was stronger than me, a lot stronger. I felt the world turn, which was eclipsed by the pain in my head when I hit the floor.

Some Hunters had permits to carry weapons. No guns of any kind, and only to be used for self defense.. No guessing, no lying about feeling threatened. Amelia was training to wield a bō. As my head like it was getting split apart from the pain, and as I was unable to push Amelia off of me, I couldn’t help but think what would have happened if she  _ did  _ have a weapon. 

Her nails dug into my wrists. “You’re really awful, you know that right?” When she spoke, her voice sounded so far away. “You can’t carry our family’s legacy or history, you can’t even do school right, you can’t control your powers, and now you’re stealing my clothes.” 

“Amelia, get off me, and I can explain.” Even with throbbing pain in the back of my head, and my heart pounding in my ears, I tried to be as calm as possible. She was the reason I locked my door, because of this exact situation. Her, letting off bottled up frustrations; and me, being the punching bag.

“I don’t want to  _ hear  _ anything you have to say! Why should I  _ listen  _ to a disgusting mutation like you. You’re not human, or demon. You’re just a failed experiment that no one wants to kill, because it would be too much work.” She let go of my wrists, and I half expected her to start hitting me--which she’d do when we were kids. “I hate you… I really do, Naru. Because you disappoint everyone you come in contact with. And with each passing year you just seem to get worse….” She lifted herself off the floor and stood up. “I have to rewrite one of my finals because of  _ you _ . I have to apologize to my teachers, because they don’t know about you and think I’m a dangerous  _ extremist.  _ Because of your existence.” 

I got up. Too in pain to say a word. Her nails left imprints on my wrists.

“And to add, to the long list of Naru Moen fuck ups…” She gestured toward the box. “You’re stealing my clothes. The ones I gave to Natalie. You’re stealing them because you feel like this family doesn’t support you enough---So you have to go the extra, freaking mile, and secretly declare that you're a troubled kid in the closet.”

“Will you shut up for once! And listen to me!!” My lights started to flicker. “My powers and issues have  _ nothing  _ to do with how I feel or how I want to present myself! I’m sorry that you have a failing grade on a test, but it’s not the end of the world.” They got brighter, even though they were barely on when Amelia came in the room. “Like you said, I’ve been fuck up all my life. I know that.” I took a step forward. “But at least I don’t blame everything on this family, or you, like you do!”

The overhead lights burst right as Amelia slapped me across the face. My glasses flew off in a flurry of broken raining shards.

As the shards hit the floor, and my vision blurred, I heard amelia kick the box of clothes and mutter a string of curses in japanese, before she started toward my door. Light from the hallway poured in when she opened it. “If you want to stop being a fuck up, do the one good thing we all want--Just die.”

***

_ That was the start. The glass was easy to clean up, though I had to do it in the morning. What was hard to grapple with was the thoughts running through my head. That just seemed to get louder. _

_ As the new year rolled around, things finally exploded. _

***

I was happy that the snow was fresh and already frozen into chunks. I could never make a snowball but the chunks made good ice packs. My body was so light, it didn’t even sink much. I got into a fight, or rather, I got jumped by some assholes. My lack of communication skills, and Avery’s abundance of free time made it possible so we could call more often. I started walking to school more frequently, and started walking home more too. So I’d call them to have someone to talk to, and when I’m with them all my walls deterior, so slips happen. I didn’t get a good look at the guys, but they were probably in my class. They knew my name, that’s all they really needed to call me. Yet they sprinkled in words that probably would have made other kids in the closet cry.

Yet, I didn’t. They got physical  _ because  _ I didn’t react to being called slurs.

The snow was so cold, and the air didn’t help. I grew sleepy with each passing second. I knew where I was, how close I was to home and that I wasn’t hurt anywhere but my face; but I didn’t move.

“You okay?...” Natalie knelt down, and put her chin in her hands. 

“Hey, Nat…” I coughed, my mouth tasted more like metal then snow. “I was su-suposed to pick you up t-today huh?” It hurt, but I couldn’t help but chuckle.

“I called Mama, told her we we’re on our way home and had to go back because you forgot something.” Natalie said it so naturally. She was, sadly, used to be looking bruised up. She was even more used to covering for me.

“Thanks…” I smiled, and tried to move my body up and off the pile of snow. 

Natalie stood up as well, brushing snow off my jeans and coat. “It’s okay…” She muttered, her voice faltered. “It’ll be okay…” I turned to see her fighting back tears. 

“Natalie, I’m fine… It’s okay.” My fingers were numb, and I couldn’t see well out of my left eye. My lip left like it got ripped. 

She placed her head into the side of my coat, and started to cry. All I could do was pat her head and reassure her. 

“I’m sorry…” She didn’t lift her head as she spoke. “I’m sorry that Ame found out…”

“It’s okay. It was bound to happen.” I tried to remember any soothing phrases or words that Mom or Dad would say. Sometimes, Amelia and Natalie needed to hear something in Japanese to really  _ get  _ it. “It’ll be..  _ Daishobu? _ ”

Natalie wiped her on my coat. Annoying, but in the moment I didn’t care. She looked up at me. “You said it wrong…. And why put it as a question?”

“Because…” I sighed. “I’m awful at Japanese, and me wanting to make you stop crying disregards all grammatical errors.”

“You  _ said _ it. It’s  _ Dai _ \-- Like when you have once dice.  _ Jō-- _ Like the name, Joe. and  _ Bu-- _ like ‘Boo’!” She looked up at me, and I saw her face go from Know-It-All, to pensive. “You really look bad…” Natalie started to move forward, pulling my arm along.

“I’ve been using the snow as ice packs.” I stumbled over each step. 

“Ru, it’s dirty!” She protested.

“It’s from today!”

“Yeah, but it still reached the ground before going on your gross face!”

***

Mom glared at me after dinner. She didn’t take out the med kit, she just demanded answers before patching me up. 

“Why didn’t you call me? Or the police!”

“Phone died.” I lied. “Besides, I don't… What would you have done?” The numbing sensation had subsided, and now my eye was swollen shut and my lip felt like a bee stung it. 

“Called the police!” Mom answered. “Why did they even target you? You weren’t breaking any laws, right?”

_ Ah yes. Naru Moen. Lawbreaker.  _ “No. I was… On my way to school, before my phone died… I was calling Avery…” I stopped, and looked at Mom. She rolled her eyes, and released a short sigh. 

She didn’t think Avery existed, or believed they were lying about their age. 

She motioned for me to continue, a small wave of her hand. 

“Avery and I were talking about… crushes.”

“Were they jealous of you? W-was this over a girl?”

I shook my head. I could hear Natalie and Amelia upstairs. The stairs were old and creaked at the slightest noise. 

“They weren’t jealous of me, and it wasn’t over a girl...” I started. My heart came back to life and pounded in my ear. I couldn’t look her in the eyes anymore. I suddenly felt so small, and the tiniest of movements would alert everyone in the world that I existed. 

And I couldn’t speak. 

“Naru, you have to tell me. What were these boys doing then?” Her voice was gentle for the first and last time I recall hearing it. 

“They were calling me…” Why was it now that I couldn’t speak? Why did it seem like the world was waiting for me to move. “They beat me up because I wanted a boyfriend, and because I like wearing feminine clothing.”

I don’t know why I expected a pat on the shoulder, and a hug. But I did. I wanted it so badly, because I never got it in my life. I’d always been a secret and a disappointment, so maybe this was my one thing that would make people proud. 

“That’s all there is to it…” I said, unsure if I was smiling or not. 

Mom wasn’t a physical person. Not in a negative way at least. The words were caught in her throat now, and her brown eyes were full of shock. She didn’t say anything. She sat back in her chair, stunned silent. “That’s all there is—“

“Just go to your room.” She hissed. “I don’t want to see you till you get that sorted out.”

I nodded, taking a step back and feeling weightless. 

***

Sound travels differently, when you’re in a state of shock. I locked my door, and sat against it. head in my hands and curled in a ball. It was too late to call Avery, plus they had to be up early tomorrow because they moved into their new place.

My body was shaking violently; I was waiting for a physical crash on my door that never came. So my body crashed for me. The new light in my room started humming wildly. My computer’s vent system even hissed to life to cool down it’s overheated system that wasn’t even on. I feel onto my side, still curled in a ball and physically there. Yet I could feel myself become detached with each passing second. I felt like I was getting pressed under invisible weights again. Pressed and stretched and choked. I opened my eyes between the sobs I had to keep in, and blinked as my lights flickered and hummed.

_ Hate this. Hate this. Hate myself. Hate myself. Hate my life. Hate my life. End it. End this. _

I never had a plan. I never could think of hurting myself. Yet here I was. 

My shaking escalated, as if I was having a seizure; Body unable to contain everything that was radiating out of me. I dug out my phone, and left a voicemail for the one person who I felt actually cared. 

“A-very…” I coughed. I wanted my computer to explode and take me with it. I wanted my light to shatter again and hit me. “I can’t… I can’t do this anymore. I can’t  _ be  _ here--” I slammed my fist against my carpet repeatedly. “I can’t  _ live  _ like this any _ more!! _ ” The plant I had on my window sill had grown, but it was browning. Unable to grow in these conditions. Unable to live in these conditions. 

“I know… I know we said that--that we’d see each other in two years but I just--” I had to hit the carpet to keep my train of thought. “I can’t make it! I can’t live like this anymore.”

I’d learned to numb out my emotions, because if I didn’t then I’d just end up breaking something. Closed doors meant less damage. Closed doors meant no one could see what’s on the other side. 

“Please… Avery I don’t feel like I can last much longer…” My computer didn’t explode, and my light didn’t shatter. All my energy left once it realized no actions could be made. 

I spent the next few hours in a delirious state of absolute quiet as I took clothes out of my drawers and stuffed them into my backpack. The house sounded dead, except for someone in the kitchen. Looking at my phone, it was nearing 2am. I wouldn’t be surprised if I had imagined it due to my fatigue.

I packed up the bare essentials, clothes, tooth brush, glasses, phone and charger. I undressed my bed, made my room look like no one ever stayed there. I didn’t want to turn on my desktop. So I found a notebook and spare pencil and wrote to the best of my ability:

_ Natalie, _

_ Sorry you had to learn this way. But I can’t be here anymore. The past 16 years have been hard, not just for me, but for everyone in this house. And I can’t seem to shake the idea that it’s because of  _ _ me  _ _ that the Moen family has an air of shame to it. Mom wanted strong Hunters, and I was the runt of the litter. The runt, the defect, the failure. The list goes on… But it’s going to stop now, because I won’t be a part of it anymore. _

_ You are going to become such an amazing Hunter. You are so smart, and so kind. Chase after every dream you have. _

_ I’m sorry I won’t be able to see you grow up.  _

_ The good thing about this, is I’m leaving with the pain and memories of my past. So walk forward toward the future with a smile.  _

_ If I could rewrite the past, I would. But I’d probably end up not existing. So, better to get with the times now then later. _

_ You made my life bearable.  _

_ I want to be like you when I grow up. _

_ You’ll be fine. I know you will. _

ありがと．

さよなら

ーなる (Naru)

***

I ripped the page out, folded it and unlocked my door to find rice balls and a note waiting for me. They were all wrapped in plastic so they wouldn’t fall apart. I never understood why they were called that, when they looked like triangles, but nonetheless I took them. The note was small. Yet even though I’d written something like it numerous times, all throughout my life--The note I left Nat felt the most real.

I know you don’t like nori, so I got made them with just rice and chicken C-:

-Nat

I slipped the note under Natalie’s door, and made my way down the stairs. I’d lived long enough in this house to know how much pressure had to be put on the steps to know when they’d creak and how loud. I got out without any issues.

  
  
  
  
  


***   
  


By the time I got on the train, and was about to cross over the state line, it was already 6am. Amelia would be getting up now, getting ready for school. Natalie would soon follow.

_ By seven, I’m guessing she’ll already have read the letter.  _

I switched the song when I reached Manhattan. I was expecting another quiet drone of instrumentals, but instead a song called Orange appeared. I didn’t get it, but I didn’t change it--Because I knew Natalie would be mad.

***

“You look like absolute hell.” Avery said, dragging me inside. “I just listened to your voicemails, I’m glad I sent you the address to this place when I got here--but  _ fuck. _ ” They placed a hand on my forehead as they brought me upstairs.

“I haven’t looked in a mirror since before yesterday…” I croaked. 

“Dude, I’m sure that if you did, the mirror would shatter.” 

They laid me down on the bed in the guest room. And as I was drifting to sleep, they were getting out a large bin and saying something I don’t think I ever heard before.

“You’re safe here, It’s gonna be okay. You’re not the first friend I’ve had to protect.” They were smiling as they said it.

**Author's Note:**

> You're not a burden.  
> Not to anyone.
> 
> \--SKQuill


End file.
